And for those loyal (and impatient!) readers, we’re offering a 20% discount if you order in advance through this website. That’s just $ 11.96! (Add $ 3.54 for shipping costs –2-3 day delivery in a cushioned envelope. Total: $ 15.50!)
When it hits bookstores, the list price is $14.95 US (9.50 GBP or 11.75 E + VAT). And copies will be available through this website as well as though your Amazon U.S. and Amazon U.K. But if you are reading this now, the above advance discount is available to you. Orders are already coming in, so don’t miss out. Order now.

And because of all your requests to read my other books all at once instead of in installments, we will also be reprinting both Realistic Leadership and Living Your Religion in the Real World within the next year. Meanwhile, we have limited copies of the original paperback editions. So if you can’t wait, feel free to order now. Also soon to be in print is a follow-up book, tentatively called Expecting the Best in People: An Antidote to Human Venom.

For nearly forty years, I’ve been working to bring out the positive potential in people. Through books, teaching, in-service training, and my clinical work, I’ve striven to bring to life the concepts of Self-Fulfilling Prophecies and realistic solutions to difficult problems. I kept that faith and hope through numerous adventures in some strange and dangerous situations. Imagine my horror to have my world turned upside down by events in one small California county!

In spite of a heavy schedule (explained in detail in the new book) I’ve tried to keep up on articles for this website. If you’ve wondered why they are sometimes more pensive than current, it’s because I needed a break from the study of evil in all its forms from the vicious to the pointless. After all these years of studying and expecting the best from people, I found myself immersed in a nightmare of petty maliciousness that I call human venom.
Sometimes there were so many comments and requests coming in that I could not answer them all. If they were similar in content, I’ve tried to respond by writing about the subject. From now on (and with the help of my new team of Site Managers!), I’ll try to answer more individual queries. With the book manuscript finished and approaching press time, in the future I should be able to be more interactive and more current.

Only now am I beginning to find the energy to emerge from the gloom and reunite my understanding of the worst in people with my previous work in finding the best in them. Thanks to my colleagues, my patients, my family, and my friends, I’ve been able to begin to make sense of an epidemic of apparently senseless violence and corruption. And I’m finding a way to build an antidote to this epidemic of petty evil. But more about that later, as I try to share what I’ve learned in the last few years. Because evil doesn’t have to happen everyday. And WE can stop it!

Self-Deceiving Prophecies occur when you believe the worst about others and your own future, and then act in ways that make them come to pass. Current news stories and this current election appear to be full of examples of this. I admit that having just finished a book on the venom humans can spew at their worst has made me sensitive to such examples. But the mundane but malicious evil that I call “human venom” seems to be turning into an epidemic. Unreasoning hatred of others appears to be an epidemic!
Let me give you an example of this phenomenon. Last week I walked into a local store. I said a cheery hello to the clerk (let’s call her “Corky,” a pseudonym to save the real person embarrassment.) I’d had many friendly conversations with her before, mostly about our favorite movies and the difficulties of life in a rural area.

But something was different this time. Her radio was tuned to a station whose announcer was sounded loud and angry. I couldn’t even make out the subject of his rant, but when I suggested that she turn that station off, an amazing thing happened. My friendly neighborhood shopkeeper started yelling something about a presidential candidate lying. I smilingly and non-committedly said I wasn’t sure I trusted anyone politician.
Whereupon “Corky” started yelling that documents had been forged, the candidate wasn’t even a citizen, and how could he be allowed to run for office! The extreme statements were of such an intense hostility that I couldn’t resist asking her where she had gleaned this information. She furiously informed me that if I read the blogs and emails, I’d know the facts too. I suggested that chatting on the Web did not always yield reliable information, and asked for her sources.

At which point she turned on me, indicating that my very calmness proved I was the Enemy! She yelled at me, “Well, at least I’m not a Socialist! I work for a living!” Confused, I pointed out that I did too, as she well knew. Furthermore, I had never been a registered member of any Socialist Party, so I had no idea why she had turned on me so suddenly.

Remember, so far, I had not even made a statement for or against either presidential candidate. My worst crime appears to have been that I was calm when she thought I should have been angry. Under the watchful eye of a seemingly just-as-confused young customer, I dropped the few items I intended to pick up and fled the store. Out in the parking lot, I found I was still shaking from the intensity of the hostile verbal assault.

I had the oddest feeling that even if I walked back into the store waving the American flag, I still wouldn’t know what to say to her to get us back to friendly conversation or to be safe from further attack. She knew that two of my three sons had spent years with the Army in Iraq. (In fact, one of those sons is career military.) Two of my sons appear to be supporting one candidate, one was leaning towards the other candidate, and I was still making up my mind. So what was all that anger about?

I’m still afraid to go back into that store, and I’m pretty sure that “Corky” retains ideas and stereotypes of me that just aren’t true. But where did they come from?

Back to speaking of American democracy and reasoned debate. (Well, we were talking about presidential elections, weren’t we?) I realize that something has changed over the sixty years I’ve been alive. I thought that political campaigns were a time for gathering accurate information and having serious discussions, then making a choice while realizing that no one can predict with 100% accuracy what crisis will occur and what any human being will do when faced with that crisis and a gaggle of other politicians who all have different opinions on what should be done.

But I didn’t think that democracy meant that if I said I like strawberry ice cream while you preferred pistachio, that it might result in your picking up a chair and bashing me over the head while screaming insults. Is that what our society is coming to? Are we headed for Nazi Germany and the overnight stereotyping and vilification of anyone who disagrees with you? Is what a Self-Deceiving Prophecy leads to?

Is history in danger of repeating itself? Has it become okay to label a person different and then make them a criminal and a scapegoat? Remember, we’re talking about vilification NOT based on evidence but on assumptions!

It makes me glad I took a break from writing timely articles during this election season. I’m not sure I would have been prepared for the mindless stereotyping and vicious vilification that is everywhere! As my new book describes, I’ve been dealing with a county-level version of this maliciousness for the last four years. We’re all in serious trouble if human venom has become a terminal infection!

P.S. And for those of you who are interested, the only practical result of the incident I described above was to convince me that I could never vote for a candidate who inspired such mindless anger and hatred in his supporters!

Love is when your partner catches you without makeup, wearing bluejeans and a flannel shirt and says, “Gosh, you’re beautiful!” Love is when you kiss your partner when he’s sweaty and dirty from fixing the spark plugs on your car while ignoring the fact he’s worn his best shirt doing it.

Love is saying “Good work!” to your teenager when he’s gotten two B’s and three C’s on his report card and you know he has the ability to be an A student. Love is when your teenager breaks curfew on Saturday, and you remember when you were 14 years old, and you only ground him for 48 hours.

Love is video-taping your third-grader’s recital and watching it three times. Love is helping him clean his room (for the third day in a row) when you think the job could have been done in half the time, and you are not being an old grouch about it!

Love is the first time your 2-year-old says “Goo’ night, mama” and kisses you before he goes to bed. Love is not using your temper when he calls you a “bad guy” because you said he can’t eat chocolate chips before dinner. Love is teaching someone you care about to drive — without flinching.

Love is packing your family’s lunches at 6 in the morning when all you want to do is stare at the wall and drink your daily dose of caffeine before you head off to work. Love is letting the kids make cookies when you know you’ll get stuck with the dishes.

Love is getting up at 4 AM to catch a plan at 7 AM, so you can spend time with your sister in New York, when you could have slept until 10 AM.

To all of you I wish love, and gifts from the heart, no matter when you receive them. And most of all, I wish you the ability to recognize those gifts and be thankful for the treasures they put in your heart!

I have to admit he touched upon the roots of despair: the repetition of disaster. Oh sure, we can all deal with the occasional crisis, the one-time emergency. Even an out and out disaster can bring out the hero or heroine in us, the chance to show we have the right stuff. But give any of us a series of even minor failures, and the staunchest optimist begins to have trouble finding the silver lining.

People cope with these times in various ways. Some talk about “a run of bad luck.” Others blame it on “bad karma” and try to figure out what they did to deserve such trials. But eventually, faced with a long enough series of unexpected blows, most of us end up like Job wailing out a despairing “Why Me?”

There isn’t any good answer, of course. Well-meaning friends who spout off lines like “Into every life a little rain must fall,” are asking for a black eye! Let’s face it: everybody has times of despair when nothing will cheer them up. Climbing out of this kind of hopelessness doesn’t happen overnight. But there are steps you can take to nurture the seeds of hope, and to slow down the sense of impending doom.

The best kind of hope is based on reality. Trying to cheer up by pretending that a miracle will occur will only make things worse in the long run. Building your hopes on illusion will only set you up for a bigger fall. If you’re $20,000 in debt and your spouse has filed for divorce, don’t count on winning the Lottery this week, or on your spouse’s having a change of heart.

Above all, don’t fall prey to the Scarlett O’Hara Syndrome of “I won’t think about it now. I’ll think about it tomorrow.” If you’re sliding downhill into despair, complete denial of your problems will only rob you of a chance to minimize their destructive effects. Imagine what a different ending “Gone With The Wind” would have had if Scarlett had only thought about the effects of her actions!

Start by getting your problems into some manageable framework. Write down a list of the crises facing you. Such a list has limits: you’ll find it is not endless, and that itself can bring a sense of relief. Now list the worst possible effects or outcome of each problem. Find out exactly what it is you are dreading. Vague fears are often more unsettling than knowing exactly what it is you fear.

Now go over your list to see what you might do to deal with each situation, or at least to avoid its worst consequences Write down each idea that occurs to you. Remember that chances are that you could handle each situation on its own. It’s only their combined effect that has you feeling overwhelmed. Break them into small manageable pieces, and promise yourself to do at least one thing daily to improve the situation.

You don’t have to believe that things will get better overnight to build hope. Be realistic about accepting how bad they are, and start improving the situation one step at a time. You don’t have to pretend a cheeriness you don’t feel. Cry if you need to. Then start taking steps to make sure you have a little less to cry about tomorrow.

Who knows? One day soon, you may wake up and find that things are no longer getting worse. You may even realize that they seem to be getting better. And that day is worth working for!

Everybody who has tried to break a habit like smoking or chewing their fingernails knows this paradox. Every therapist who has watched clients resisting the very changes they said they wanted can attest to the strength of this dilemma.

We can often see clearly what we want to change, and yet have a devil of a time actually making those changes. Why?

There is an explanation. The process only seems mysterious because most people fail to realize how interconnected the parts of their life are. We tend to see things in separate pieces, as if they were in categories that existed in a vacuum. We don’t always make allowances for the way we have fitted all those pieces together. Changing one piece can disturb a subtle balance we have achieved. And that disturbance can be enough to derail our attempts to change.

Many people who complain of man unhappy marriage, for example, fail to realize how many adaptations they have made in order to keep that marriage going. People who have developed apparently self-destructive behaviors in order to cope with an abusive or severely disturbed spouse may find their marriage deteriorating as their personal health improves.

People with severe work or stress problems may find that the situation in their workplace is working against their attempts to build a satisfying life. People in families with unhealthy behavior patterns may find the rest of their family complaining as the so-called patient gets better.

We all live in a complex set of relationships. Trying to improve the parts of our lives that cause us pain requires that we also make adjustments in the parts of our lives that give us satisfaction. This doesn’t mean that we can’t change. And it doesn’t mean that we have to choose between old relationships and new ones.

Many people panic and stop making changes because they are afraid of suddenly having to choose between their old life and a new one.

Any program for change, whether done by yourself or with the aid of therapy, requires a careful evaluation of both the good and the bad parts of your life. Don’t expect the people around you to wholeheartedly accept your ‘improvements.’ They may see these changes as threatening to the status quo that they have come to depend on. You yourself may sometimes feel threatened by the changes you thought you wanted.

One reason that long-lasting change occurs slowly is that going slowly gives you time to make adjustments everywhere in your life. You can bring the best of the past with you, even as you build new ways of behaving. Let the other people in your life share in the process. Find out what adjustments they need to feel safer with your changes.

Evaluate your own priorities, and don’t be upset when you can’t change unwanted habits overnight. Working slowly to adapt your whole emotional and social environment can make changing easier and smoother. You don’t have to be a different person to improve your life. Subtle changes can be more rewarding than overnight makeovers!

Without humor, life would be unbearably flat, and our conversations exceedingly dull. Our lack or perspective and balance would make our world seem too grim to bear.

I’m always amazed when people complain about my humor. I accept that my jokes aren’t always terrific. But I’m really shocked when the reason turns out to be because some people don’t feel it’s ever appropriate for a professional to ever be funny. Some people think that adults, especially doctors, should take life seriously. No laughter, no frivolity, just the facts, ma’am. (By the way, if you’re too young to recognize the reference, check out any version of Dragnet. Those detectives are so serious they’re funny.)

While there are some topics I never make light of, I have to admit that generally I find life pretty funny. Laughter is one way of admitting we don’t know all the answers, and that we often get our priorities mixed up. The ability to laugh at ourselves is very special. Without it, we take ourselves much too seriously.

If you can laugh at yourself, you can admit there’s room for improvement. When you laugh at life’s ups and downs, you are acknowledging that it isn’t perfect. I like the older satirists like Tom Lehrer and Mark Russell who made us realize how funny politics can be. Or Erma Bombeck and Peg Bracken who made us smile at home life. (I found them especially useful in those years when I was raising three sons!) While world politics and family life are serious areas, laughing at them can keep us from despair.

Despair makes us apathetic, but laughter doesn’t. Hopefulness keeps us moving towards change. Laughter is hope. It makes us realize that we are smart enough to see through the problem, and strong enough to do something about it. Even in situations that seem overwhelming, laughing at something silly can do more to create energy for a change than crying over the inevitable. And nothing defuses a fight faster than when both parties suddenly start laughing over the silliness of it all. Laughter can help reduce pain, improve your immune system, and increase your overall health.

People who are anxious and depressed have often lost the ability to laugh, especially at themselves. Everything seems serious and dreary. You don’t have to be a Pollyanna, always looking for the good side of bad things. Nor should you plaster on a fake smile and pretend things aren’t as bad as they seem. We’re not talking about that old advice to count your blessings, although that can certainly be helpful. No, we’re talking about the fact that we can all look pretty funny when we’re climbing out of the pits.

The best kind of humor can help us feel closer to other people, not farther away. It can give us hope by refreshing our perspective. It can keep us from being pompous or self-righteous. Laughter makes us part of the human race, and that’s a pretty funny race to be running!

I personally feel that the opposite is usually the case. Someone who enters therapy is often healthier than average because they recognize their problems and are trying to work on them. Furthermore, they are smart enough to seek the help of an objective and experienced professional. But the old stigma attached to ‘emotional problems’ continues to haunt all of us.

Many people feel that they ought to be able to solve their problems all by themselves. They bottle up their anxieties until they are like a pressure cooker without a safety valve. They develop signs of stress, such as irritability, depression, or even physical complaints like headaches or ulcers. They may turn to alcohol or drug abuse to further mask the pain of their unshared problems. No one is an island, and none of us is so perfect that we can solve all out problems alone. It just doesn’t work!

Other people believe that it is a sign of weakness to consult an ‘outsider’ about their problems. They unburden themselves to family or friends. Unfortunately, those close to us are usually too close to be of much help. Our friends may not have the objectivity to help us choose between alternatives. They may not have the knowledge to know how to help us, even when their intentions are good.

No one can ‘tell’ you the answer to your problem. A good therapist will help you explore and understand your difficulties. He or she may even suggest things to try, and help you experiment with new behaviors and evaluate the results. But competent professionals know that you cannot wave a magic wand and solve problems instantly.

All too often our friends, precisely because they don’t like to see us in pain, offer advice or suggest simple solutions without really encouraging us to figure out exactly what is happening. This can be very dangerous. We may become more frustrated trying out ‘answers’ that don’t fit our specific situations. We may begin to resent friends who try to simplify problems we have been suffering with for weeks or months.

The next time you find yourself struggling with pent-up feelings and continuing unhappiness, ask yourself the following questions:

If your car had engine trouble, would you take it to an experienced mechanic or ask all your friends to offer their opinions on what is wrong?

If you broke your leg, would you insist on handling it by yourself?

The way to save time, money, and hassles is to invest in the services of a professional who has worked with these kinds of problems before. Are your health and happiness worth less than your body or your car? Think about it!

It can seem like visiting a well-planned flower garden, or a fearsome jungle filled with quicksand. I know people who look forward to the chance to renew family ties, and people who dread the very thought of seeing Aunt and Uncle So-and-So again.

It’s all relative. (Pardon the pun.) The more you like the people you’ll be seeing, the more fun you’ll have. But sometimes a sense of obligation gets in the way of just enjoying people.

When you go see your friends, you’re conscious that you choose them because of what you like about them. Sometimes we forget there are things to like about our families because we’re so busy thinking we ‘have to’ be nice to them.

It’s true there are many different kinds of people in every family gathering. Nowadays the problem is complicated by the variety of lifestyles. Divorce, remarriages, and blended families make for a multiplicity of personalities and interests. But instead of getting hung up on having to like all these people, why not relax and try to see the good things in each of them?

You may be so used to your own relatives that you haven’t given yourself a chance to see how you’ve all grown over the years. You may be so familiar with your family that you have your own expectations about them. And these assumptions become Self-Fulfilling Expectations, making us see the glass half-empty instead of half full.

Take the time to listen and look with the same courtesy you’d give a stranger. You might be surprised at how much more interesting they’ve become. Meeting new relatives through remarriage or family blending can make you nervous too. But don’t think of it as a chore or obligation. Pretend it’s a club or party that you’re thinking of joining. Instead of worrying about how they see you, look for what’s fun about them.

I was lucky enough to be welcomed into a family that already had a lot of love and tolerance for all its members. They taught me a lot about how families can let people grow and change, while still holding on to the special relationships developed in childhood. New members came and went, each judged on their own merits and each given the benefit of the doubt.

But even if your family has trouble adapting to changes, you can take a big role in encouraging a better family atmosphere. Start the ball rolling by taking the time to let your favorite relatives know how much you appreciate them. Then practice listening to your least favorite relatives and make it a treasure hunt to find something to like in every one of them.

See your family as a garden, with new plants coming up all the time. Stop worrying about your own image and don’t feel forced. Make it a conscious choice to weed out the negative thoughts and feelings that have sprouted over the years. You’ll be surprised at the richness of the crop you’ll harvest when the summer season is over.

Choosing to have a good relationship with your relatives takes effort on your part. A little consideration goes a long way toward ensuring pleasant family get-togethers. Look at your family members with a new perspective, and see them as potential friends. Find something to like in every one of them, and watch the family garden burst into bloom.

When exposed to the particular vagaries in this state (i.e. a million microclimates), you learn fast where your escape hatches are. Temperatures and humidity levels vary widely from town to town. Add summer heat and water shortages and you have a simmering cauldron of discomfort if you’re not careful.

Temporary breakdowns are so common that they’re not even considered creative around here. The number of people going home from work because they just can’t cope reaches epidemic proportions this time of year. While sunshine is a positive characteristic, it can be a bit too much of a good thing, especially when accompanied by triple-digit temperatures.

Some people recommend technological coping strategies, but these tend to be impractical. Air conditioning, as we all know, was designed to test your adaptability by plunging you from tropic heat to sub-arctic temperatures instantaneously. Besides, apart from putting you into shock and making it necessary to wear a winter coat over your summer suits, who can afford the electricity? Who can afford the gasoline, if you happen to spend hours in the local traffic jam?

Scientific studies have shown that the low pressure areas preceding a storm result in increased depression in the general population. Scientists are not clear whether this is a result of being trapped in a temperature inversion along with all that air pollution, or a result of being trapped in your office with 20 or 30 other hot and steamy people who’d rather be at the beach. Lethargy and apathy combine with staring out windows for a scene right out of a zombie horror movie.

And it doesn’t take a scientist to see the increased anxiety in those living in areas prone to fires. Crankiness and terminal irritability can accompany any of these patterns. Calling in sick by pleading a summer cold is the best coping strategy for not spreading the epidemic of poor mental health, unless, of course, you really have a summer cold. In that case I’d advise going in to the office. After all, you can be miserable there as well as anywhere else.

The list of creative pathologies, however, is both long and fascinating. For example, the sudden compulsion to take one’s clothes off and lie motionless until one is the color of a fresh-cooked lobster. Or the less anachronistic alternative of wearing paper goggles while being sprayed from all sides with sunless tanner, so you can turn terra-cotta instead of orange. Then there is the obsession to find out exactly what causes heat prostration by jogging on the side of the road until the sweat leaves a tangible trail behind you.

More creative (and lazier) souls may develop the hobby of driving down well-jogged paths while rating participants on a scale of one to ten. The muscular hunk in skin-tight shorts? 10 of course! The stout gentleman puffing along with a red face? You guessed it! Or grab a board with wheels or wax and get hit in the face with water or wind (or both) to lower your body temperature.

Some creative responses boggle the mind. Many of us put on woolen suits or corsets and petticoats to recreate the Civil War. Then we battle for hours in the hot sun while inhaling clouds of black powder smoke. Why we do this in the heat of summer is a good question. Although having to dry a rain-soaked canvas tent does put a damper of recreating in cooler seasons. Ren Faire addicts are in a similar dilemma, with heat stroke coming in only barely ahead of damp and muddy.

Affordability is the only obstacle to backyard swimming pools, month-long vacations in other climates, and similar escapist strategies. But those are so average. Let’s all hear it for the creative and somewhat crazy ways to survive the summer!

A lot of readers found a chord touched by the book excerpt on Self-Fulfilling Prophecies (SFP). But I wrote that book from the perspective of a manager working with other people. Being a business manual, it was focused on the Other rather than the Self. It’s important to look at what we expect of ourselves, and how we fulfill that prophecy. In this article, we’ll explore the effect of high expectations; next time, we’ll explore the effect of ones that are too low.

But what about the expectations we have of ourselves, the SFP’s that affect every day of our own lives? Let’s talk today about tending your own garden. (With apologies to Voltaire.) I don’t mean literally, of course, but figuratively. Nor am I referring to those people who should be told to ‘Mind your own onions,’ as the French would say. (Of course, they say it en francais, naturalement.) No, I’m talking about setting limits to what you can expect from yourself.

Sometimes people forget the value of their own gardens. Instead of focusing on the joys and achievements of just getting through an ordinary day, they feel guilty because they haven’t been awarded the Nobel Prize or made the front cover of Time Magazine. They measure their self-worth by a mythical ideal of fame and fortune. (No, 10 seconds on YouTube doesn’t count!) The unreality of this boggles the mind. (I can say it this harshly because I often fall into this trap, and I’m the pot calling the kettle black.)

You can’t judge yourself by how many people are cheering for you. Hitler got millions to cheer for him, which doesn’t say much for the value of public opinion.

You can’t judge yourself by how much you’ve accumulated. Do I even have to mention Howard Hughes or Ferdinand Marcos?

You can’t judge yourself by age comparisons either. As the musical satirist Tom Lehrer once exclaimed in mock dismay, ‘When Mozart was my age, he’d been dead for ten years!’

Do you have to be perfect to matter in this world? If so, then no one matters, because famous people are not more perfect than the rest of us! (As recent news stories confirm!)

Making a positive impact on your small corner of the world may do more for world peace and happiness than a thousand famous efforts. Why make yourself a martyr to unrealistic expectations? If you compare your achievements to impossibly high standards, you are setting yourself up for low self-esteem and chronic disappointment.

I have found that reading honest accounts of famous people’s lives to be a good corrective for this kind of self-abuse. Measure for yourself decades of struggle against a few moments in the limelight. Can you really say that isolating a specific chemical is more valuable than raising a couple of happy, healthy children? What about heroes who neglected their families while they pursued a single goal? And then there are heroes who pursued lofty goals because they had lost someone special.

It can be an easy way out to ignore mundane responsibilities while pursuing lofty goals. If you do both, then you’re a rare person. As a veteran of the sixties, I have to admit that I feel I’ve accomplished more in raising three sons and helping my clients understand themselves than I ever did at marching and protesting. In the long run, my actions in my sphere of influence, my garden, have had more impact on the world than all my protesting over other people’s actions

Protest what’s wrong with public actions if you don’t approve of them. But don’t neglect your own impact while you do. Be fair to yourself. Give yourself credit for tending your own garden. You don’t need blue ribbons to prove it’s a beautiful place to be.

Suddenly we want an ‘Easy Button’ — a minister, a therapist, a book — any magic potion that will take away the pain and make all the bad things less overwhelming. But nothing is easy at that point! And don’t let your friends fool you. Someone says ‘ But it will end,’ as though that makes the current pain go away. But it doesn’t!

One of the phrases I personally hate most is ‘God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.’ I find that highly debatable, especially since I can’t read Creator’s mind and right this minute may be totally unable to figure out what He/She was thinking when She/He decided to dump all this stuff on me at once!

It’s always fun to find like-minded people, and recently I read some great thoughts on the subject, so I’ll quote from Ellen Degeneres’ book ‘The Funny Thing Is.’ On page 126 she says:
‘1) What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. (Translation: what doesn’t kill you puts you in a whole lot of pain and makes you cry a lot and want to crawl into a hole forever and live with rodents.)
2) Adversity builds character. (Translation: you become bitter and angry and people hate you even more.)
3) God doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle. (unless God’s in on it and doesn’t like you either.)’

Besides, most of your friends are going to get tired and cranky themselves because you don’t just cheer up at the sound of platitudes. Nobody likes to feel powerless to help. Well, sometimes we just have to grieve! Like it or not, we will have to cry it out, and nobody can say how long that will take.

And part of what makes the grieving so tangled and agonizing is that your feelings aren’t simple. They are all mixed up with sadness and grief, and even actual physical pain. You know, like ‘kick in the stomach’ or ’stabbed in the back’? Then add in the anger, the fury, the rage over how unfair this all is. Why me?! Multiply by the agony of wondering whether it’s happened to you because you did something wrong, you didn’t see the danger signals, or worst of all, the nagging fear that you are just so bad and worthless that you deserve all the rotten torture the universe can throw at you! Did I mention the feeling of powerlessness that compounds the problem?

These complicated feelings are what makes it so difficult to somehow swim past the hurricane around you. Your fear itself may add to the pain, agony, and guilt to make your feelings overwhelming. And let’s face it, it’s really your feelings that are overwhelming, not the outside events.

While there is no ‘Easy Button, ‘ there are things that can help. The most important to remember is that if you can make a 10% improvement in several areas, the cumulative effect may get closer to a 100% improvement!

Summoning every resource available to you is the beginning step, as long as you don’t assume that any one of them is the only solution. Talking to a psychologist or counselor helps. Choose a professional with a great deal of experience. Since they are not emotionally involved in your situation, they can use that objective view of options to help you plan your strategy for climbing out of the barrel. Their compassion and understanding of the ranges of human behavior can also be a comfort to you. You are neither alone nor unique. Human beings get upset when they are overwhelmed.

If you have a spiritual advisor or group that you respect and trust, you may also find some comfort in speaking to them about finding a broader meaning to the catastrophe that is happening to you. Talking to someone or reading books may help you remember that there is a greater meaning in all our lives. You may not figure out what lesson you are supposed to learn, but just considering the possibility that there is a greater lesson may bring about a small measure of reassurance and stability.

When I’m knocked on my butt by some terrible events, I personally find comfort in remembering the Chinese proverb: ‘Those whom the gods love, they teach with a heavy stick.’ I may wish the blows to get my attention weren’t so heavy, but it comforts me to believe that someday I will understand the lessons that seem so invisible right now!

As we’ve discussed before, this is a good time to make a plan. Break the overwhelming into small pieces and pick one small thing that will improve just that one piece. Setting priorities is important, but don’t be afraid to start with the lesser problems first. Getting back some sense of control will help you get your footing again.

And don’t listen to the ‘crabs’ who try to pull you down with discouraging words. Or to well-meaning friends who say ‘you’ve cried enough. Get over it.’ If you hide your pain and anger, and force yourself to move on before you’re ready, you may lose the chance to learn the lessons and find the meaning inherent in your current catastrophes.

It’s your life and your pain, and little by little, you’ll find yourself reducing some of your suffering to a manageable level while you learn just how powerful you can be in the case of disaster. Take it one step at a time, cry when you need to, and take the time to look at the things that have happened. Just don’t listen too much to those who tell you what you should do. Consider your options and choose for yourself.

You see, Zen is really an attitude towards life. It encourages people to be natural and spontaneous, yet controlled. It is a creed of doing yet not doing, of relaxing to create energy rather than trying too hard and wasting energy.

A lot of people seem to waste a lot of energy being tense about money. Yes, I know that jobs and resources are scarce. But nowhere in nature does any animal have access to unlimited resources without effort. Why should we expect things to be any different for humans? And is that sufficient reason to be so tense that you cease to enjoy the resources you do have?

I also know that the unexpected expense or catastrophe can come along at any time and wipe out savings. (Do I ever known that! Remind me to tell you about my catastrophes sometime!) But that only means it’s even more essential to develop a healthy attitude towards money that will carry you through the hard times as well as the high times!

Let’s face it. There’s been plenty of research that shows that while having a little more money may help you be happier if you have been struggling below the poverty level, if you’re already middle-class or higher, more money does not automatically result in more happiness.

How do you allow yourself to feel rich when your bank account says you’re not?
By relaxing and accepting your limitations with a certain Zen tolerance, and then letting yourself enjoy what you do have. Build in things that are fun. Don’t let your thoughts about money dominate you just because it’s scarce. If that seems too esoteric and mystical for you, try these tips:

1) Plan ahead and take stock of your assets. Many people find this the most difficult step. List all income, and don’t forget possible income and hidden assets, like things you can sell or services you can barter. Don’t be afraid to know where you stand financially. You might be better off than you think.

2) Set your priorities. Make note of all necessary outlays. And I do mean necessary! Check to see what’s really essential to your survival. Rent or mortgage may be fixed, but many other things are flexible. Look for creative ways to reduce expenses. There are many articles and websites that offer tips on how to cut food, utility, and other bills.

3) Keep a positive attitude. Make it a game to live well on less money, and be cheerful about it. This is a chance to show how much you can learn, and a chance to prove how adaptable you can really be. Make it a challenge to economize, not a choice. It’s really an adventure to see how much you can create from what you have already.

You may not have a choice about how much money you can make, but you do have a choice about the attitude you’re going to have towards money. Planning ahead, setting priorities, and keeping a positive attitude are things you can do. When it comes to money, a little Zen goes a long way. Don’t work so hard you forget to enjoy the adventure!

When I talked with some 13 and 14 year olds that I know, I found that they had a distorted view of child abductors. They felt they were too smart to be lured by promises of candy and too big to be forcibly abducted. They became more thoughtful when I pointed out that grown men could be mugged, and that no one was immune to a gun or a surprise attack.

Rapists and child molesters do not necessarily look seedy or suspicious. They would rather offer a ride to a hitchhiking youngster than resort to a public show of force that might be witnessed. They might stop to ask directions, or for help with reading a map.

They aren’t relying solely on the physical weakness or inexperience of a child; they are relying as well upon the trust of children towards adults. This makes the crime even worse, and the need for educating children even more imperative.

Children should be taught to recognize a potentially dangerous situation, and what to do in such an event. No matter how pleasant a stranger seems, a child should never go over to their car, or even within touching distance.

Teenagers need to be reminded that it is not ‘cool’ to be macho in a case like this. However grown up they feel, they will be helpless against a well-planned or well-rehearsed attack. A real hero will run and get help, not try to fight alone.

Families can help by having a Secret Code Word that only the family knows. Teach them not to go off with anyone who claims to be sent by their parents unless they know the family Secret Code Word. This applies to people with official identification, since ID’s can be forged. (It’s harder to fake a uniform and patrol car, although not impossible.)

And with the growing number of sexual abuse cases within families, teach them that this Code Word is the only secret a family member should ask them to keep! If someone tries to touch them, they should never keep that a secret. All children should be aware that they have the right to say ‘no’ to an adult.

Unfortunately, it isn’t just strangers who may try to molest children and young people. Babysitters, relatives, or the friends of friends may be guilty as well. The most important thing to teach your children is that they should tell an adult they can trust about the assault. No one has the right to touch them in a way that feels bad. And they are not ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ because someone else assaulted them; they are not at fault! Let them know that they are not to blame, and that they will have your support and protection.

There is no simple way to be sure that your child understands these suggestions. You will need to sit and discuss these carefully to be sure your children understand them. Open the lines of communication with your children and keep it an open dialogue, and you can increase their safety without frightening them unnecessarily.

I’m trying to decide whether it’s something I should feel guilty about. Oh yes, being guilty is a choice we make. Deciding to make a judgment that we are wrong is a choice, and feeling rotten enough to punish ourselves takes energy. Before I start feeling like a failure, I think I’ll follow my own guidelines.

Am I angry or resentful? Who’s telling me I have to grow dinner’s vegetables anyway? Is anybody else pressuring me to take over this job, or insisting that it be done? No, I guess not. It’s me that telling myself I ’should’ have done it.

Can I develop a sense of perspective about it? Why do I think I should have done it? I’ve been working hard every week. It would take several hours to plant the garden, then several more to weed and tend it daily. Do I really have the time? Is it really worth it?

Why do I feel responsible?

I guess I’m feeling like I’m supposed to do everything. I remember when I was younger and that tape would play ‘A good wife never lets her family down.’ A real woman could work a 60 hour week, clean the house, pamper her husband, spend time with the kids, entertain her friends, milk the goats and still be able to tend the garden. Hey! Wait a minute! Nobody could do all that!

Let’s be reasonable. Even Superman takes a break just to read a book sometimes. I admit that these days, there’s a few less chores and less people to take care of. Still, I do hate admitting that I’m human. Maybe I’m really telling myself that somebody else could do all these things. But that’s just not being realistic.

What would happen if I didn’t feel guilty?

I don’t think my family or friends would stop loving me. After all, they’ve put up with me this long. Besides, they’re not perfect either. And I love them anyway. I wonder if anybody even notice. My friends will take fresh lettuce that’s store-bought, and nobody else likes weeding the garden either. I bet they’d rather I had the time to bake fresh bread and share that and my time with them instead of weeding the silly garden.

One more thing before I let myself feel bad about myself. I can count my good qualities! Let’s see. I do earn enough to buy fresh vegetables. I do enjoy most of the work I do, and I smile a lot. Maybe the garden isn’t neat, but the house is livable and we all had a great time camping last weekend. I guess I’m not such a bad person after all.

Hey! It works! I don’t have to choose to feel guilty at all! I think I’ll go take a break and bake some homemade bread. I can even read a book while it bakes!

[Addition by Webmaster, NOT Dr. Daniels]:

Here are some related articles:

Dr. Daniels’ Break The Procrastination Pattern

This one from Web Worker Daily discusses taking a break without feeling guilty about it: Be Productively Unproductive Online. Without Guilt.

This article from requiem.net.au discusses the source of guilt in Is Guilt Innate?.

An article from WomenOf.com (a site targeted to women, but with useful information for all) has Get Rid of the Guilt, which discusses steps to overcoming procrastination and guilt.

Medication may be of little use in some cases. Just lying down and doing nothing is often the only treatment that brings any relief. Some people have resigned themselves to just suffering through the attacks, waiting until the agony has passed before they can resume their activities.

It has been estimated that one person in five suffers from chronic and disabling headaches. Some of these headaches are symptoms of other problems, and may indicate brain, eye, or sinus disease. A medical doctor should always be consulted to rule out these serious conditions. But the causes of most headaches are often unclear, and treatment may progress in a trial-and-error fashion.

Almost half of chronic headaches are called migraine, or vascular headaches. Migraine headaches can last for several hours or several days. They may be preceded by dizziness or sensitivity to light. They can be accompanied by nausea, excruciating pain, and vomiting. This type of headache is three times more likely to occur in women than men.

Some headaches are thought to be caused by muscle contractions in the face, neck, or head. These are often called tension headaches. They may be accompanied by pain in the back of the neck, or by muscle spasms. Bruxism, or grinding your teeth, may also cause headaches and tension in surrounding muscles.

The exact causes of many headaches are disputed by many doctors. Heredity, stress, and hormones are among the factors that have been linked to migraines. But hereditary predisposition, hormonal swings accompanying menstruation, and stress are probably factors in all headaches. Nicotine, caffeine, and alcohol can also trigger severe headaches.

Because there are so many possible causes of headaches, it is essential to have a medical checkup to determine if there is a severe underlying cause that will respond quickly to medical techniques such as medication or surgery. But if you are not suffering from an organic illness, and your headaches are frequent and severe, there are a number of things you can consider.

Try to keep track of when your headaches occur, and your emotional state at the time. If stress seems to be a factor, there are relaxation techniques that you can learn that can prevent or minimize future attacks. Learning to relax as soon as you notice physical tension, coupled with a real effort to reduce the level of tension in your life, can give you some control over your problem.

Biofeedback, which uses visual and audial cues to help you recognize tension you’re your body, is another effective treatment. Biofeedback training has been helpful for many people suffering from either migraine or tension headaches. With practice, sufferers can often learn to change patterns of circulation, or relax contracting muscles to forestall an oncoming headache.

The important thing to remember is that your body has the ability to forestall a headache, as well as to create one. In addition to lifestyle changes in diet and exercise, reducing stress and emotional turmoil can minimize the occurrence of headaches. Becoming aware of your headache patterns, and learning some simple techniques form an experienced professional can make a major difference in improving the quality of your day. You don’t have to just sit and suffer!

Some people complain that they have no friends, that no one knows how to be a friend nowadays. Rarely do they look to see if they know how to be a friend to others. You need to ask yourself if you really believe that a friend has to be somebody who agrees with you about everything.

Friends don’t always have to see eye-to-eye. Their differences may lead them to conclusions that conflict with ours. But talking about those differences can teach us a lot about ourselves. At the very least, they can make us think about our own assumptions about the world. Respecting the differences between friends is an important part of building valuable friendships.

While it may be nice to have friends we’ve known since high school, who have shared all of our life experiences, it does get a little boring. People raised in other state or countries can help broaden our horizons by sharing their differences as well as their similarities.

Reality is another important part of friendship. The ability to be open and honest with someone is what draws us together. You don’t have to lie to a friend, or pretend to be something you’re not. Friends are people to whom you can admit your mistakes and weaknesses. But this means you have to tolerate their imperfections too. A large part of friendship is relaxing and being yourself.

To be a friend, you have to allow others the same privileges you demand for yourself. You can’t turn on a friend because they don’t live up to your expectations of what they should do. You don’t criticize them behind their back. Doing those things to a friend-in-need makes you a fiend indeed!

Reality means you can talk directly to a friend when you are uncomfortable about his or her behavior. Maybe it’s your problem; maybe it’s theirs. But friendship means being able to sit down and discuss conflicts between the two of you. Seeing each other through the rough spots can create a bond that lasts throughout your lives.

Reasonableness is the third R necessary for good friendship. What do you expect from your friends? Do you ask more than you give? If you expect your friends to cater to your every need, and meet every demand, you are being unreasonable. How would you feel if the same demand was made of you?

No one can be there for you every time you need them. A friend is someone who will be there when they can. If you are their friend, you will realize that sometimes they just can’t help you immediately. They can’t be there every time there’s trouble. What counts is that they help sometimes, not all the time. A good friend won’t let you down very often. But if you are a good friend, you won’t force them to never let you down. It just isn’t humanly possible!

Friendship takes effort from both parties. The rewards are worth it. Don’t be a fiend to the people who care about you. Act with Respect, a sense of Reality, and Reasonable expectations and put the ‘R’ back in friendship!

People tend to daydream about a better life. But with a busy schedule, they keep their dreams simple. They dream of winning the lottery, or encountering as rush hour without traffic. They want a better job, or a bigger house. When those things don’t materialize, they might feel tense and harried. But when they get home angry and frustrated, the mess there may have them screaming (at their family, or just screaming!)

One of the difficulties in not falling prey to this disastrous cycle is that it’s so easy to lose sight of our objectives. Like hamsters on a treadmill, we can forget where we’re running to. We feel out of control in our own lives.

Struggling to keep your head above water, and anxiously glancing around for the next tidal wave, you can feel powerless to swim towards a goal. Any goal!

There is a big difference between living and making a living. And sometimes we forget that the second thing has no purpose if we’re not doing the first!

Stop and take stock for a moment. What are the reasons for the thing you do? Remember the joy of your wedding day? Remember why you took that job: the pay was needed or the opportunity good? Think of the first time you saw your child, the swelling joy and pride.

Stay in touch with those memories for a while. Get in touch with those feelings again.

Now write a list of the goals in your most precious memories. List all the objectives: providing for yourself and your family, enjoying your family’s company, keeping your body healthy, keeping your mind active. Be specific. Is buying a house on your list? Or planning a vacation with the family? Often we think of a material thing that we think is our goal, when really it is something more special than the thing itself.

List even the very small things. Do you wish for more time with your hobbies? Do plants or pets give you a good feeling?

Go have a cup of coffee (or whatever your beverage is) and leave the list for a while. Relax and think of other things.

After a short break, come back to the list and evaluate the items. Put a checkmark next to the six most important items on your list. Keep the list. Think about what you can do to have these goals. Understand that some of the things you are doing now are bringing you closer to your heart’s desire.

Live with the assumption that you are in control of your own life. Every activity you are involved in represents a decision or choice on your part. Compare your daily actions with your list of desired goals. Consider the possibility of not wasting time on the things you are doing that don’t bring you any closer to your goals.

If you don’t enjoy an activity and it doesn’t bring you any closer to what you do want out of life, ask yourself why you are doing it? Make the choices that give your life meaning. Don’t waste it. Keep sight of things you value most and let them be a guiding star that keeps you from feeling lost in the chaos around you.

This applies as well to blaming ourselves. Self-blame makes you feel terrible, without building any resources to help you avoid errors next time. It actually keeps you from taking responsibility for your life.

Blame makes you feel incompetent. Taking responsibility for your actions is easier when you feel competent and capable. In my experience, people often act most awful when they feel helpless and without power. Being a responsible adult requires a positive attitude towards yourself; blame creates a negative attitude.

Why then do people indulge in the ‘Blame Game?’ One reason is that it’s an easy way out. Pinning the blame on somebody else absolves the blamer of having to make any changes. It avoids the issue of what both parties can do to change the situation. It makes other people feel guilty, which may be used as part of a larger pattern of manipulation. The result of the ‘Blame Game’ is that nothing gets changes, and the hostilities between people increase.

Self-blame can be useful in manipulating people too. By wallowing in guilt and shame, the chronic blamer is asking to be forgiven for his or her actions.

Mind you, the blamer isn’t about to change any of those actions, just to make other people accept them. Self-blame thus becomes a substitute for self-growth. If the self-blamer is manipulative enough, someone else may step in and take over, thus leaving the blamer free to disclaim responsibility for any future events.

Let’s face it: it’s easier to blame than to work at taking control of your own life. Being responsible means thinking and planning.

It means asking ‘Why?’ and ‘How?’, and working hard at reaching an understanding of the situation. It means accepting mistakes, instead of hiding from them. It means looking at what you can do to change the situation, instead of leaving it all up to someone else.

Blame is the lazy way out. It’s ineffective, boring, and frustrating. It doesn’t change the situation, except by driving other people away. When you’re faced with a problem ask not what other people can do for you, but what you can do for yourself.

Do you dread talking to your doctor? Do you jump when someone speaks in a loud voice? Do you break into a cold sweat when a police officer pulls you over? If the IRS called you on the phone, would you faint on the spot?

It’s amazing how quickly we react to people in a position of authority. Childhood memories of being scolded by our parents leap into our mind. Suddenly we’re afraid we’ve been caught breaking into the cookie jar, and instant panic sets in. We don’t even stop to consider our needs or priorities. We just take the path of least resistance, and kick ourselves afterward.

If you’re one of those people who can’t argue with the utility company, fight an undeserved ticket, or ask your boss for a raise, take heart! You can learn to speak up for yourself.

First, you have to mentally adjust your image of yourself. Then, you have to re-evaluate your perception of other people’s power. Finally, you have to practice. These aren’t easy steps, but you’ll be doing yourself a big favor if you try them.

First of all, you have to stop thinking of yourself as a victim. Authority figures only have power if you give it to them. You are paying for the services of doctors and lawyers. You have the right to ask questions about their advice. You are part of the company your boss is working for. You have a right to discuss policy that affects you, like your salary.

Police officers are there to support you and your community. If they make a mistake, you can discuss it without putting either yourself or them down. Even big utility companies and the Internal Revenue Service can only exist with your agreement to pay for the services they provide. (And if you feel that you’re not getting enough in return for your taxes, remember an election year is right around the corner!)

You are a very important person. Other people don’t have power over you. They are trying to accomplish something, and if their priorities conflict with yours, negotiation is in order, not capitulation. If you do run into a person with an insatiable need to control others, they have a problem. Bypass them and go straight to a saner, more rational adult with whom you can talk.

Finally, you have to practice actually saying the words of resistance. Practice at home in front of a mirror, or ask a friend to act like the person you are afraid of while you practice. Use your imagination to pretend you are in the situation you dread. Practice until the words come naturally. It’s okay to be a little tense when you try coping with the real situation. But each time you try, you’re practicing a skill that can change your whole view of yourself. It’s well worth the effort!

Remember, you’re a valuable person. Don’t be a victim and don’t give your authority away. Respect the other person’s job, but don’t treat them like your parent. You’re not a kid anymore.

One of the most famous studies done on the SFP was published in a book called Pygmalion in the Classroom.If you remember your Greek mythology, Pygmalion was the sculptor who carved a statue of a beautiful woman, then fell in love with it. He believed so strongly that it could come to life, that it did! Hence, the SFP is also called ‘The Pygmalion Effect.’

A Harvard professor, Dr. Robert Rosenthal, collected the results of over 300 studies showing the Self-Fulfilling Prophecy in action. In classroom experiments, a group of children were divided into two classes. One class was given to a teacher who was told that the students were high achievers and should do well. The other teacher was told that her class was composed of underachievers who needed special help.

At the beginning of the school year there was no difference between the two groups of children in terms of ability. By the end of the school year the class that was labeled ‘high-achievers’ was doing better than average work. The class that had been labeled as ‘underachievers’ was doing below-average work. Furthermore, a careful study revealed that children who made gains in the ‘high achiever’ group were generally better liked by their teacher, but the children who made gains in the ‘underachiever’ class were generally less liked by their teacher!

In summarizing this research, it can be said that people prefer people who live up to their expectations, and that people unconsciously create situations that encourage the expected behavior. If the expectations are positive, people (in this case, students) are encouraged to behave positively. If the expectations are negative, people (again, the children in the class) are encouraged to behave negatively.

There has been plenty of research that shows this Self-Fulfilling Prophecy effect in job situations. Since we do it so unconsciously, adults are no more immune to its effects than children are. Remember too that this effect usually occurs despite the fact that the person with the expectation is usually unconscious of the effect he/she is having.

For example: Dr. Albert King did a study with a number of welder trainees. All the trainees had scored approximately equal in aptitude testing before the training started. However, their trainer was told that five of the men had shown high aptitude on their tests. (Remember, this was not true!) AT the end of the training course, these five men had an amazing record. They had been absent fewer times than the other men, they had learned the welding skills in half the time, and they scored ten points higher than the others in a comprehensive welding test given at the end of the course.

Furthermore, when the other trainees were asked to rate each other in terms of whom they most wanted to work with, each wanted most to work with one of the five ‘high aptitude’ men.

Somehow, both the trainer and the other trainees had encouraged these five men to meet their expectation. They had created a true reality out of a false belief. In every possible way, without consciously meaning to do so, they gave the five trainees messages that said ‘Don’t worry; we know you’ll do well.’ With all that subliminal encouragement, it’s easy to understand why those five trainees developed a positive attitude towards themselves and their work.

In studying the Pygmalion effect close-up, we have found a number of ways in which these expectations are transmitted and encouraged to become reality:

1) Climate: The entire package of non-verbal signals encourages or discourages the worker. Think of how much a smile or a friendly tome of voice can mean to you.

2) Feedback: More positive responses encourage; more negative ones discourage. Even if a worker makes a mistake, you can respond in two ways. ‘Not again! You’d better learn to do it right’ is very disheartening. ‘Not bad, but you might find it easier to try it this way instead’ sounds helpful and encouraging.

3) Amount of input: If we have positive expectations about a worker, we tend to give that person more information to help them along. If we have negative expectations, we tend not to bother to give information.

4) Amount of output: We expect more work from a good worker than a poor one. Saying ‘Don’t bother to tackle that job; I know you’ll never do it right’ discourages an employee from taking on any new responsibilities.

What you expect to come true is often what you make come true. You may have seen this in everyday life. We all know at least one pessimist who expects things to go badly, and is always complaining about the things that have gone badly. And we all know at least one optimist who expects good things to happen. The optimist doesn’t dwell on the negative, but rather continues to work on the positive, making those good things happen more often.

It should be clear from this research that far more important than the skills you learn are the attitudes with which you apply those skills. You must look carefully at what you expect from the group you are working with. Of course, you need to develop realistic expectations. You cannot, for example, expect people to do a job in one day that logically requires a week to accomplish.

However, within these reasonable limits, the most important thing you can do to increase productivity is to expect the best of people. To expect that they will give you their best efforts. To expect that they will want to meet their goals. To expect that they would prefer to do a good job.

Whether you are unconscious of your expectations or not, those attitudes will influence how you treat everyone who works with you! The best way to ensure that your influence if positive is to become conscious of your expectations and to develop them into positive feelings for all your workers.

It would be nice if every job we ever had was filled with friendly co-workers we liked and respected.

Unfortunately the law of probabilities (Murphy’s Law?) suggests that at least some of the people we work with will rub us the wrong way. How we handle this situation will have a big impact on whether our job is a torture or a challenge.

Some people turn their dislike into a full time feud that eventually destroys morale throughout the workplace. Others smile through gritted teeth, then take every opportunity to criticize behind the other person’s back. Some complain only to their boss; some only to their spouse each night after work. And some turn their anger against themselves, wallowing in feelings of loneliness and isolation.

None of these methods accomplish anything constructive. In fact their results can be ulcers, headaches, chronic aches and pain, and strained relationships. However, with a little effort and forethought, you can turn the whole situation into a growth experience. Since you will probably encounter people you dislike throughout your career, now is a good time to learn to cope with them effectively.

First of all, you have to figure out why you dislike them so intensely. Be sure you are not prejudging them on the basis of outward appearance. You probably already know enough to avoid letting any unconscious ethnic or gender bias affect your opinion of them. But are you sure their gestures, clothes, hairdo, body jewelry, or other style issues aren’t creating your perception of them? Not everybody is alike, and if you focus on what they do differently than you do, you may feel as though you’ll never understand them.

You should be smart enough to know that stereotypes are self-fulfilling prophecies. If you think you know who someone is based on their outward appearance, you will interpret all their behaviors to fit your preconceptions. Don’t deprive yourself of the chance to find out who they really are.

If it is a particular behavior that irritates you, why not just tell them? Say something simple, like ‘I get angry when I’m interrupted before I finish a sentence.’ Be positive, rather than critical. Let them know you’d like to resolve the problem with their help. Don’t be defensive, and don’t back them into a corner either.

If the truth is that you hate most of their behaviors, remind yourself that they are a co-worker, not a friend. They don’t have to be your kind of person, just the kind of person the company hired for the job. Respect them for what they do. Deal with them on a rational level, not an emotional one. You’d be amazed at how calmly you can deal with an unpleasant co-worker once you accept them as a fact of life like a crowded office or too few coffee breaks. No one ever said the job would be perfect!

And finally, if your main complaint is that the other person seems to dislike you, stop reacting. Take the initiative! Ask them why you get the impression they dislike you. Mention specific behaviors you have been aware of. Make it clear that you are not attacking, but simply seeking information. Maybe you’ll find you agree with the criticism. Maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll both feel less hostile. It’s worth trying, isn’t it?

If nothing works, face the fact that not everyone has to like you, and vice-versa. Don’t go out of your way to antagonize a co-worker, but don’t fake excessive courtesy either. Mutual dislike doesn’t make either of you a worthless person. You both deserve respect.

Not liking someone doesn’t have to mean you actively try to hurt them. Sometimes it isn’t even practical to keep them from hurting you, especially if they are high up in the office hierarchy. To paraphrase a line from ‘Fiddler On The Roof,’ maybe the best wish of all is ‘May God bless and keep my enemiesfar away from me!’

It’s easy to do this kind of stereotyping but it isn’t realistic when dealing with individuals. Today I spent over an hour at a nursing home encouraging and exhorting a woman just a few years older than I to push her own wheelchair to the dining room. She’s done it many times, and, more important, it’s essential if she is to keep her blood circulation, muscle tone, and cognitive skills from deteriorating. But did she ever get angry at me! She said it was ‘tiring’ to try.

Today I also spent over an hour with an 88 year old friend as we struggled to learn how to do something on the computer. ‘Tired’ is an understatement for how we felt when we were finished, but ‘exhilarated’ is another adjective that would be appropriate. And we won’t stop trying to learn something new next week! And I won’t even complain about all the exercise I, and my friends, do to keep our bodies active. Tired? Yes. Healthier? You bet!

Growing older does tend to slow down our reflexes. Physically we are not quite as strong, nor do we heal as fast when we are hurt. Our bodies are worn down due to long-term use, and if we abused our bodies, they wear down even faster. We worry about whether our thinking has slowed down. Our short-term memory may fade somewhat, although this is often compensated for by an increase in long-term memory. All our thought processes sometimes feel different, but our worry may increase the problem.

And worrying about why the work isn’t easy is often part of worrying about whether we aren’t good enough to make the effort. Our image of ourselves can cause us more grief than the changes themselves! I once shared an office with a great psychologist, extensive experience, expertise in complicated area, well-respected. Imagine my surprise when I found out that Tom was lying about his age! He said he was 82 when he was really 86.

The truth is that many problems are caused by changes in our world. How we view ourselves can complicate the problems more than the social or physical changes themselves. There’s so many new things to learn that we may refuse to ‘tire’ ourselves by trying. Retirement, reduced income, the death of friends, and reduced social contacts are difficult to adjust to, and we may resent the effort it takes.

Or we may worry about how others view us. And, after all, with good reason. We can see our society’s tendency to isolate the elderly at the very time when their social resources are weakening. It’s a flaw in our system more than a natural part of getting older. It used to be that elders had wisdom and memories that were considered valuable. But now we push people aside as if they were last year’s model, no longer of any value.

I want to explore the possibility that a problem is between people, rather than a problem of ‘caring for the elderly.’ When we have daily contact with anybody, problems arise. Try addressing these conflicts as you would if the other person was a roommate or partner of the same age before assuming that ‘age’ is the problem.

Of course, if you have not developed good skills to confront conflicts or resolve problems collaboratively, you may need to learn them now. (Better late than never.) And so may the person who is older. But it is possible. A lot depends on whether we believe change is possible. (See excerpts from my book for more on Self-Fulfilling Prophecies.)

If we treat senior citizens as children, if we assume they are less than fully functioning adults, we do a great deal of damage to their self-esteem and to their ability to continue functioning. Yes, they are ’set in their ways,’ but so are we all. Older people can change and grow. They are still human beings capable of making decisions and accepting responsibilities. My oldest clients in my private practice were a couple who came in for marriage counseling. She was 82 and he was 86. They had short-term therapy and felt they gained by the experience.

In the nursing homes, I see a wide variety of attitudes and emotional styles. Some people are crotchety because they are healthy enough to want to get better and get out of the restricted setting of a nursing home. Others blame everything on everybody else, but do little to improve or change their own behavior or lifestyle. Others give up and lie in their beds by choice, not necessity. Self-respect and self-motivation count for a great deal. But so does the way we deal with people.

Treating someone old and/or disabled with exaggerated respect while ignoring their real capabilities is a set-up for failure. Working together, as we would with any other adult, is a much healthier way to improve their lifestyle. But this depends on the other person’s willingness to meet us halfway. I’m just asking that we not assume the other person can’t go that distance.

If someone is sound in body and mind, I assume he or she is being asked to take an adult role in daily life. Making use of our skills and knowledge keeps us communicating with people, thus continuing growth in our thinking and communication skills. If injury or illness temporarily disables a person, they may need encouragement to get back in the game of life. If relocating or other changes temporarily isolate a person, he or she needs to find ways to get involved with life again.

Caring for a family member is especially difficult. Especially if it is a parent, problems may occur because of the discrepancy between the memories of how your parent was and the way she/he is now. At any age, separation from a close friend brings changes in both parties. When we get back together again, we are upset that the other person is the longer the way we remember him or her. This isn’t a fault of old age; I’ve seen it occur in children and their friends.

And it’s true that the whole burden doesn’t rest on family members. The older person has a share in the problem, and in its solution! If an outside perspective or more positive expectations are useful, family counseling may be a real help in resolving communication problems.

They’ll be more on this site about coping with getting older, from all perspectives, and about my experiences in coping with the complicated interactions that occur in nursing homes. But enough for now. Oh, and by the way, I included a link with an elderly lady that I find refreshingly lively. She gives me a good perspective, as well as a good laugh, so I hope you like her too.

• The Fruitcake Lady

]]> http://www.drmadelinedaniels.com/2007/01/31/sometimes-there-is-no-easy-button/feed/ http://www.drmadelinedaniels.com/2007/01/28/potpourri/ http://www.drmadelinedaniels.com/2007/01/28/potpourri/#comments Sun, 28 Jan 2007 14:50:31 +0000 Dr. Daniels http://www.drmadelinedaniels.com/?p=23 Part of the problem is having diverse interests and a brain that struggles to synthesize them into a whole. My thoughts are often chaotic, as are my written notes, and I obsess about finding a continuity. Well, after all, there’s a connection being made somewhere in my mind or I wouldn’t have thought it! But sometimes it takes a while for all those cognitions to come together like jigsaw puzzle pieces and make a coherent picture.

So I’m trying to lean on that old saying ‘A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds’ and learn to share the flow with all of you. This hasn’t been easy, probably because I’ve been too careful. I’m learning that I can’t review everything and integrate all changes in advance because you bring so much to the dialogue.

And as I try to be concise, I run the risk of obscuring what I mean. Especially when there are hoards of non-thinkers swimming the Web like piranha waiting to attack the use of a word they don’t like or with which they have past associations that aren’t what I intended at all. So for those of you who like to think and consider, thank you for your patience! And know that your feedback and comments help me refine the ideas behind the words.

Part of my world view and my resulting thought process is that there are so many things I recommend, that I often don’t know where to begin. It’s an eclectic sampler because any change we make in the way we think, feel, or act involves adjustments in other areas. ‘Life style’ changes are just that; they change the characteristics of our everyday lives on many levels, from the mundane to the sacred. So besides suggesting everyday activities, I’d also suggest researching the many levels below them.

There are basic web sites that will give you background on many of the things I write about. For example, www.webmd.com gives good background on medical issues, and www.nami.org gives good information on mental health issues specifically. For practical suggestions (he calls it ‘personal development for smart people.’) www.stevepavlina.com often has great ideas. I check out his web site as often as I do the other two.

But I also visit www.historychannel.com and www.nationalgeographic.com because I know that stretching my mind to understand other people in other times and places. And I can find fascinating new research to learn about and wonderful places to visit. I love www.culture.gouv.fr/culture/arcnat/lascaux/en/index3.html where you can walk through the cave art with a flashlight.

My taste in books is just as varied. Jared Diamond’s books Guns, Germs, and Steel: The Fates of Human Societiesand Collapse: How Societies Choose to Fail or Succeedhelp me to have a new, the perspective things are on why today way they are today, as does Charles Mann’s 1491: New Revelations of the Americas Before Columbus. Understanding ourselves by understanding our history is as important as it is in psychotherapy, where understanding where you learned your beliefs and habits are essential to deciding if you want to change them.

That’s just a glimpse of some of the things I like. Some time soon I’ll have to share some of my favorite movies and what I learn from them. And then there’s the category of Books I Haven’t Read Yet But Wish I Could. Are you sure you want to hear them all?

Procrastinators are easy to spot at any time of year. They tend to look anxious and harassed. They were the ones who were congregating in stores the night before Christmas trying frantically to complete their shopping at the eleventh hour. You may have seen them because you were there too! It’s like a Procrastinators Anonymous meeting!

There may be people who enjoy the excitement and suspense of never really knowing whether they will actually be finished what they’ve started on time. But most procrastinators really wish they could change their habits.

If you’re in the latter category, take heart! Here are some tips that may help you conquer that pile of unfinished jobs. But before you get to work, take a moment to analyze your pattern of procrastination, so you can avoid the trap in the future.

Do you tend to get discouraged at the beginning of a project, when the work looms ahead of you? Or does your energy run out near the end of a project because you’re afraid to accept the finished product? Knowing when you tend to procrastinate can help you plan ahead to gibe yourself extra reinforcement for continuing the work at this point.

Are there particular kinds of jobs that you tend to put off? Some people put off tasks that might bring them closer to other people, especially if they feel ambivalent about the other person. Others put off business tasks because they are afraid to have their finished work criticized. Some people use a crisis-laden schedule to provide an excuse for not dealing with the real problem areas of their lives. What is your pattern?

When you have honestly faced your pattern of putting things off, and are ready for change, here’s a quick way to get started. Get a pencil and paper, and proceed step-by-step:

First, write down all the undone jobs that are worrying you. Don’t worry about the order in which you write them; just get everything down on paper. Be specific and spill all your problems into this list.

Second, underline the five most urgent jobs and note them on a separate piece of paper. Put the first list aside and concentrate for the moment on this second top-priority list. Jot down a quick outline of what needs to be done to accomplish each task, and an estimate of the time needed.

Third, promise yourself a reward, however small, for each step you accomplish. Write it down next to the step. Now, start working through your most urgent items, remembering to reward yourself at each step along the way. (Aren’t you glad you wrote those rewards down?)

Fourth, when you have finished these five items, go back to your original list and begin the process again. As you read over your list, don’t forget to look for items you don’t really need to do, or items you can ask someone else to take over. Do your best on each project, but don’t be such a perfectionist that you exceed your time estimates.

And remember, once you get your schedule back on a less anxiety-filled track, don’t put off your resolution to stop putting things off!

I was recently asked about the ‘new’ degree programs that are proliferating on line and elsewhere recently. As somebody who has been facilitating learning at the college level since 1973, as well as participating in a variety of non-traditional approaches to learning, I did have some thoughts on the subject. Here they are:

Together We Learn,
Each in His/Her Own Way

‘Non-traditional’ methods have always been around in education. I know that sounds like an oxymoron, but the reality is that people have always explored new ways to improve the speed at which we can absorb new ideas, and put them into practice. Good teachers of every grade level experiment nearly every day with new methods and materials in their classrooms. And they get daily experience with the unrelenting fact that each of their students has a different personal style.

History is full of examples of experimental education. Centuries ago, Socrates knew how to ask questions that inspired and provoked thought, but that was darn revolutionary to those more used to r