I can’t think of a more useless pursuit than looking for someone to blame. The minute we say ‘It’s all your fault!’ to someone, we alienate them. And to what purpose? Laying the blame at someone’s door doesn’t change what has already happened, nor does it look for ways to prevent problems in the future.

This applies as well to blaming ourselves. Self-blame makes you feel terrible, without building any resources to help you avoid errors next time. It actually keeps you from taking responsibility for your life.

Blame makes you feel incompetent. Taking responsibility for your actions is easier when you feel competent and capable. In my experience, people often act most awful when they feel helpless and without power. Being a responsible adult requires a positive attitude towards yourself; blame creates a negative attitude.

Why then do people indulge in the ‘Blame Game?’ One reason is that it’s an easy way out. Pinning the blame on somebody else absolves the blamer of having to make any changes. It avoids the issue of what both parties can do to change the situation. It makes other people feel guilty, which may be used as part of a larger pattern of manipulation. The result of the ‘Blame Game’ is that nothing gets changes, and the hostilities between people increase.

Self-blame can be useful in manipulating people too. By wallowing in guilt and shame, the chronic blamer is asking to be forgiven for his or her actions.

Mind you, the blamer isn’t about to change any of those actions, just to make other people accept them. Self-blame thus becomes a substitute for self-growth. If the self-blamer is manipulative enough, someone else may step in and take over, thus leaving the blamer free to disclaim responsibility for any future events.

Let’s face it: it’s easier to blame than to work at taking control of your own life. Being responsible means thinking and planning.

It means asking ‘Why?’ and ‘How?’, and working hard at reaching an understanding of the situation. It means accepting mistakes, instead of hiding from them. It means looking at what you can do to change the situation, instead of leaving it all up to someone else.

Blame is the lazy way out. It’s ineffective, boring, and frustrating. It doesn’t change the situation, except by driving other people away. When you’re faced with a problem ask not what other people can do for you, but what you can do for yourself.

This entry was posted on Friday, February 23rd, 2007 at 4:56 pm and is filed under Guilt, Relationships. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.