We’ve just been through several months of singing about good will towards other people. We’re supposed to be filled with love towards our fellow human. Maybe it’s easy to smile at strangers, but I’m not sure it’s any easier for those who have to work with people they dislike.

It would be nice if every job we ever had was filled with friendly co-workers we liked and respected.

Unfortunately the law of probabilities (Murphy’s Law?) suggests that at least some of the people we work with will rub us the wrong way. How we handle this situation will have a big impact on whether our job is a torture or a challenge.

Some people turn their dislike into a full time feud that eventually destroys morale throughout the workplace. Others smile through gritted teeth, then take every opportunity to criticize behind the other person’s back. Some complain only to their boss; some only to their spouse each night after work. And some turn their anger against themselves, wallowing in feelings of loneliness and isolation.

None of these methods accomplish anything constructive. In fact their results can be ulcers, headaches, chronic aches and pain, and strained relationships. However, with a little effort and forethought, you can turn the whole situation into a growth experience. Since you will probably encounter people you dislike throughout your career, now is a good time to learn to cope with them effectively.

First of all, you have to figure out why you dislike them so intensely. Be sure you are not prejudging them on the basis of outward appearance. You probably already know enough to avoid letting any unconscious ethnic or gender bias affect your opinion of them. But are you sure their gestures, clothes, hairdo, body jewelry, or other style issues aren’t creating your perception of them? Not everybody is alike, and if you focus on what they do differently than you do, you may feel as though you’ll never understand them.

You should be smart enough to know that stereotypes are self-fulfilling prophecies. If you think you know who someone is based on their outward appearance, you will interpret all their behaviors to fit your preconceptions. Don’t deprive yourself of the chance to find out who they really are.

If it is a particular behavior that irritates you, why not just tell them? Say something simple, like ‘I get angry when I’m interrupted before I finish a sentence.’ Be positive, rather than critical. Let them know you’d like to resolve the problem with their help. Don’t be defensive, and don’t back them into a corner either.

If the truth is that you hate most of their behaviors, remind yourself that they are a co-worker, not a friend. They don’t have to be your kind of person, just the kind of person the company hired for the job. Respect them for what they do. Deal with them on a rational level, not an emotional one. You’d be amazed at how calmly you can deal with an unpleasant co-worker once you accept them as a fact of life like a crowded office or too few coffee breaks. No one ever said the job would be perfect!

And finally, if your main complaint is that the other person seems to dislike you, stop reacting. Take the initiative! Ask them why you get the impression they dislike you. Mention specific behaviors you have been aware of. Make it clear that you are not attacking, but simply seeking information. Maybe you’ll find you agree with the criticism. Maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll both feel less hostile. It’s worth trying, isn’t it?

If nothing works, face the fact that not everyone has to like you, and vice-versa. Don’t go out of your way to antagonize a co-worker, but don’t fake excessive courtesy either. Mutual dislike doesn’t make either of you a worthless person. You both deserve respect.

Not liking someone doesn’t have to mean you actively try to hurt them. Sometimes it isn’t even practical to keep them from hurting you, especially if they are high up in the office hierarchy. To paraphrase a line from ‘Fiddler On The Roof,’ maybe the best wish of all is ‘May God bless and keep my enemiesfar away from me!’

This entry was posted on Thursday, February 1st, 2007 at 4:41 pm and is filed under Stress & Anxiety, Work. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.