There seems to be a fine line between acknowledging that old age has some inherent characteristics, and assuming that being old is a problem in itself. Lumping all older people together into a category is unfair. Assuming they all have the same problems is also unfair. It’s a form of discrimination.
It’s easy to do this kind of stereotyping but it isn’t realistic when dealing with individuals. Today I spent over an hour at a nursing home encouraging and exhorting a woman just a few years older than I to push her own wheelchair to the dining room. She’s done it many times, and, more important, it’s essential if she is to keep her blood circulation, muscle tone, and cognitive skills from deteriorating. But did she ever get angry at me! She said it was ‘tiring’ to try.
Today I also spent over an hour with an 88 year old friend as we struggled to learn how to do something on the computer. ‘Tired’ is an understatement for how we felt when we were finished, but ‘exhilarated’ is another adjective that would be appropriate. And we won’t stop trying to learn something new next week! And I won’t even complain about all the exercise I, and my friends, do to keep our bodies active. Tired? Yes. Healthier? You bet!
Growing older does tend to slow down our reflexes. Physically we are not quite as strong, nor do we heal as fast when we are hurt. Our bodies are worn down due to long-term use, and if we abused our bodies, they wear down even faster. We worry about whether our thinking has slowed down. Our short-term memory may fade somewhat, although this is often compensated for by an increase in long-term memory. All our thought processes sometimes feel different, but our worry may increase the problem.
And worrying about why the work isn’t easy is often part of worrying about whether we aren’t good enough to make the effort. Our image of ourselves can cause us more grief than the changes themselves! I once shared an office with a great psychologist, extensive experience, expertise in complicated area, well-respected. Imagine my surprise when I found out that Tom was lying about his age! He said he was 82 when he was really 86.
The truth is that many problems are caused by changes in our world. How we view ourselves can complicate the problems more than the social or physical changes themselves. There’s so many new things to learn that we may refuse to ‘tire’ ourselves by trying. Retirement, reduced income, the death of friends, and reduced social contacts are difficult to adjust to, and we may resent the effort it takes.
Or we may worry about how others view us. And, after all, with good reason. We can see our society’s tendency to isolate the elderly at the very time when their social resources are weakening. It’s a flaw in our system more than a natural part of getting older. It used to be that elders had wisdom and memories that were considered valuable. But now we push people aside as if they were last year’s model, no longer of any value.
I want to explore the possibility that a problem is between people, rather than a problem of ‘caring for the elderly.’ When we have daily contact with anybody, problems arise. Try addressing these conflicts as you would if the other person was a roommate or partner of the same age before assuming that ‘age’ is the problem.
Of course, if you have not developed good skills to confront conflicts or resolve problems collaboratively, you may need to learn them now. (Better late than never.) And so may the person who is older. But it is possible. A lot depends on whether we believe change is possible. (See excerpts from my book for more on Self-Fulfilling Prophecies.)
If we treat senior citizens as children, if we assume they are less than fully functioning adults, we do a great deal of damage to their self-esteem and to their ability to continue functioning. Yes, they are ’set in their ways,’ but so are we all. Older people can change and grow. They are still human beings capable of making decisions and accepting responsibilities. My oldest clients in my private practice were a couple who came in for marriage counseling. She was 82 and he was 86. They had short-term therapy and felt they gained by the experience.
In the nursing homes, I see a wide variety of attitudes and emotional styles. Some people are crotchety because they are healthy enough to want to get better and get out of the restricted setting of a nursing home. Others blame everything on everybody else, but do little to improve or change their own behavior or lifestyle. Others give up and lie in their beds by choice, not necessity. Self-respect and self-motivation count for a great deal. But so does the way we deal with people.
Treating someone old and/or disabled with exaggerated respect while ignoring their real capabilities is a set-up for failure. Working together, as we would with any other adult, is a much healthier way to improve their lifestyle. But this depends on the other person’s willingness to meet us halfway. I’m just asking that we not assume the other person can’t go that distance.
If someone is sound in body and mind, I assume he or she is being asked to take an adult role in daily life. Making use of our skills and knowledge keeps us communicating with people, thus continuing growth in our thinking and communication skills. If injury or illness temporarily disables a person, they may need encouragement to get back in the game of life. If relocating or other changes temporarily isolate a person, he or she needs to find ways to get involved with life again.
Caring for a family member is especially difficult. Especially if it is a parent, problems may occur because of the discrepancy between the memories of how your parent was and the way she/he is now. At any age, separation from a close friend brings changes in both parties. When we get back together again, we are upset that the other person is the longer the way we remember him or her. This isn’t a fault of old age; I’ve seen it occur in children and their friends.
And it’s true that the whole burden doesn’t rest on family members. The older person has a share in the problem, and in its solution! If an outside perspective or more positive expectations are useful, family counseling may be a real help in resolving communication problems.
They’ll be more on this site about coping with getting older, from all perspectives, and about my experiences in coping with the complicated interactions that occur in nursing homes. But enough for now. Oh, and by the way, I included a link with an elderly lady that I find refreshingly lively. She gives me a good perspective, as well as a good laugh, so I hope you like her too.