Some of the most difficult comments to answer are the ones I get from clients and readers explaining why nothing I suggest works for them. I keep thinking of the game described by Dr. Eric Berne, creator of Transactional Analysis, and author of the book ‘Games People Play.’ He calls it the ‘Why don’t youYes, but’ Game.
The rules are simple. First you ask for help in solving a problem. Then, every time somebody makes a suggestion, you shoot it down. You say, ‘Yes, but it won’t work because’ It doesn’t matter what the reason is, just as long as you refuse to try any possibility.
It’s a very effective and frustrating game. The person trying to help finally gives up, and the person resisting change can walk away with a smug smile. After all, he or she proved that the situation is hopeless. The hard question to answer is: what did the pessimist win?
As the old saying goes, ‘Expect the worst and you’ll never be disappointed!’ But this is largely because pessimism is a self-fulfilling prophecy. As long as you believe nothing can help, you refuse to try to change the situation. Things continue to be miserable, because everything has stayed the same. Some people go round in this kind of circle for years. They win the ‘Yes, but’ game, but lose their chance at happiness.
If there is anything I have learned from thirty years of working with people, it is that recognizing choices is the key to mental health. If you see yourself as trapped, you’ll remain in the same rut indefinitely. But if you realize that you have a choice in determining your future, you can take the initiative in changing any situation.
The biggest obstacle that most people face is blaming somebody else for their unhappiness. ‘If only my spouse treated me better’ ‘If only I had more money’ ‘If only I didn’t have such a lousy childhood’ ‘If only I hadn’t hung out with the wrong people’ — All of these are excuses that keep you from facing the fact that you are in charge of your own life. Blaming external events is a convenient way to avoid working at changing your present situation.
Nobody can wave a magic wand and create a problem-free world for you. Nobody’s like is all roses; the thorns we have to reach through are part of what makes roses so valuable. Don’t blame other people if you don’t bother to reach for the joys that are possible in your life. Only your own pessimism can stop you from reaching out.
The apathy that is created by a pessimistic attitude has its own inertia. I don’t just find this attitude in my patients in prison, hospitals, and nursing homes, I see it in everyday people too. Once you have decided that nothing in life is worth the effort, you find it easier to stagnate than to try something new. This results in one unalterable fact: things remain the same if you don’t take steps to change them.
Granted, it takes a real effort to try something different. And it may take work, even professional help, to figure out what healthy choices are. But if you choose to continue in the same routine that is making you miserable, at least be honest enough to admit that it is because you are not willing to make that effort. No suggestion in the world will help unless you try it. And sometimes it takes a lot of experimentation to find which changes will bring you the most joy.
Don’t pretend an idea is useless just because you are afraid to try it. If things are as miserable as you describe them, than any change is a change for the better. The U.S. Constitution only grants people the right to pursue happiness; it never said happiness itself was guaranteed. Being happy takes an effort. Don’t talk yourself out of looking before you even start the pursuit!
Hello, Dr. Daniels! I really like this article. At work I encounter this attitude all the time. “Kim, I have a problem…” I offer advise, and receive “Yes, but…” every time. I don’t even bother after the first “Yes, but…” because it tells me they aren’t looking for an answer, just wanting to vent. Am I being too harsh by not entertaining the “Yes, but-er…” any longer than I have to? Shutting out other people’s negativity seems to only be getting me in trouble with my boss. Is there a better way to react?
Well, Kim, one of the biggest problems with people is that they’re complicated and what they present on the surface may not be what they’re feeling inside. They may not really be asking for ‘advice’ even though they appear to be. Maybe just listening first will help them ventilate their feelings. Your boss may help give you guidelines if you ask (diplomatically, of course) how much time to allow from your own work to do this listening.
Another technique that might help is to ask the person complaining ‘What do you think will help?’ or ‘What can I do that would be helpful to you?’ You can guide them gently to making their own decision of what option to try. Again, your boss will appreciate your concern for others in the office, and may even have ideas on what will be more efficient in problem-solving for all employees.
Sometimes our own feelings get in the way of resolution, especially when we’re bottling up rising negative experiences. Your saying ‘I don’t even bother after the first time’ suggests that your own frustration level may be so high that you’re cutting people off so fast that they feel the sting. Relaxation techniques and breathing exercises are just small ways to help you stay cool under stress. There are many more stress-coping methods, but it’s important to accept that you owe yourself the chance to use them.
Thank you for your question. It brings up some important issues, and I’ll be posting some thoughts on anger, frustration, and dealing with difficult people soon. In the meantime, just remember that none of us has a magic wand (or an ‘easy button’), not even therapists! We cannot make the person change his/her behavior; we can only try changes in our actions. I hope you’ll let me know if some of the suggestions above are of help to you because I can always learn more about how to apply ideas to real life situations.
Dear Madeline, Glad to see you commenting upon the notion of “facilitator!” You probably know of my battle to change the concept of “teacher” to that o facilitator and to change the concept of “student” to learner…attempting to get down to basics in dealing with learner. These were not easy transitions in the early days of the Union Graduate School (Union Institute), but both became functional as we evolved the program. As the linguists hae told us, we tend to live into our words. That susrely was true as I serve as “point person” for UGS. So push on; whoever may geet the spark may set the fires of learning that’s both real and functional. Right on!
Thanks, Dr. Daniels! I will do what I can, especially with the relaxation. Many people I work with do vex me and I tend to say what is on my mind. Though appreciated at home, work is not the place for it. Sometimes it is hard for this Libra to balance her scales!
Have a good day!
Kim