Doctors and other medical professionals develop a certain mystique that can frighten the pants off (or wallet from) any average consumer. Graduate programs teach effective ways to develop this aura of professional mystery by encouraging the use of jargon that describes the most mundane symptoms in the most terrifying way.
Psychologists and other mental health workers are as guilty of this as medical doctors. Insurance forms and professional protocol require the labeling of behavior in the most mystifying ways. Unfortunately, even the DSM IV-R, the bible of diagnostic labels, doesn’t quite cover all the extremes to which we may be exposed.
In the interests of educating consumers, and expanding the boundaries of technical jargon, we offer the following guide to some syndromes you may encounter in everyday life.
Obnoxious Disorder of Adolescence: This syndrome tends to strike those between the ages of 10 and 18. Symptoms include the building of a nest composed of dirty clothes and empty candy wrappers, as well as sudden attacks of deafness when spoken to. The onset of symptoms is often accompanied by the need to play loud unpleasant music at painfully loud decibel levels. This disease appears to be incurable, although spontaneous remission often occurs in later years. It is, fortunately, rarely fatal, except to family members living in close proximity to the stricken child.
Repulsive Personality Disorder: This disease is characterized by a belief that everyone else is stupid and/or wrong, and that the stricken individual is doing the world a favor by condescending to live with such cretins. Contrary to popular belief, this disease occurs in every socio-economic level. The same patronizing and boorish insults may be exhibited in both nose-in-the-air wine sippers and burping beer-guzzlers. Popularly known as ‘Archie Bunker’s Syndrome,’ this illness appears resistant to most conventional forms of therapy, although a baseball bat applied to the skull has been shown to have some effectiveness.
Normal Reaction of Childhood To Crazy Parents: Some children displaying severe behavioral problems may be found to be reacting to parental discomfort. If unsure about the source of such symptoms as bedwetting, temper tantrums, and thumb-sucking, it is advisable to check with parents about the number of knock-down, drag-out fights engaged in per week. If questions regarding the children’s behavior trigger a screaming argument between the two parents, diagnosis is confirmed. In such cases, the most effective therapy appears to be marriage and/or divorce counseling directed at the parents.
We realize that this is at best an incomplete guide to typical behavior problems and plan to continue our list as soon as possible. But for now we hope it will be of some value to consumers who want to better understand the world around them.
And remember, you don’t have to be crazy to think that everyone else is!